2022 B'Mitzvah Project
Understanding intersectionality in order to make spaces inclusive
A little bit about me
I am a Black, queer, nonbinary, autistic, multiply disabled person adopted at the age of three by a white Jewish family. Here, in a video my parents took, you can witness one of my earliest attempts to fit in by imitating those around me.
[Video: Makiah, age 34 months, seated in kitchen of preadoptive family, holding up a kiddush cup and reciting a Hebrew blessing. Audio: "Baruch atah adonai elohenyu melech haolam borei pri hagafen amen" recited rapidly.]
For my project and my d'var torah, I explored themes of inclusion and belonging, and I decided to use my experiences to create some materials to help spaces be more inclusive. There are already a number of resources and trainings to learn to be more culturally competent with one particular marginalized group. I have come to realize from my experiences of partially but never fully belonging to many communities that what is missing is the idea that people who wish to affirm and include everyone need to understand that intersecting identities may actually create conflicting needs, and that we need to understand intersectionality in order to understand people. We need understand that just being allowed to be present is not the same as being included.
This page is a work in progress, and will eventually include many more resources, along with multimedia content.
An experience I had in which people were in fact well-trained on LGBTQ+ inclusivity, but my disabilities and race seemed to override this understanding
"At my last appointment at a local queer health center, literally every staff person used the wrong pronouns for me. A few were confused when I corrected them. My pronouns are listed correctly in my chart, and my gender-neutral first name is the only one I’ve ever had. There is a popup on my chart and those of others with trans and nonbinary identities to remind staff to be extra careful with names and pronouns. Apparently though, people see a disabled Black person who is often assumed to be a small child and think this can’t possibly apply."
In this situation, being trained on LGBTQ+ culture does not help if people are deciding that disabilities and race mean gender and sexual orientation are not applicable.
Action steps:
Trainings need to specifically emphasize that these policies apply to people of all ages, people with disabilities, people of all races and ethnicities, not just "everyone"
Trainings and policies in community settings need to also emphasize using inclusive language and practices for parents, relatives, staff, guests, historical figures, and so forth
All settings should have gender-inclusive restrooms, signage, forms, etc., as LGBTQ folks exist in every demographic (and Massachusetts has legally recognized nonbinary gender since 2019)
Resources:
"Gender-neutral terms to address a group" by Sylvia Duckworth (note: some of these terms come from AAVE or are otherwise not appropriate for all people to use)
A Guide to Creating LGBTQ-Inclusive Forms by Keshet
Gender-inclusive language by Trans Care BC
Some experiences I have had as a nonbinary person who exclusively uses they/them pronouns
"Some people know to ask for pronouns, and they use my pronouns correctly, but then the next thing out of their mouth is calling me a boy or a girl, whatever they've assumed, or reflexively telling me where the men's restroom or women's restroom is. Gender and pronouns are not always the same thing for all people, but people need to think of someone as their gender. If you are thinking of someone as nonbinary, you aren't likely to call them 'miss' or 'sir' or 'a good big brother' without first asking what terms they use."
"I have encountered professionals who do not understand how they/them pronouns work grammatically, even though we all use singular they ("someone forgot their phone here -- I hope they come back"), and they say things like 'all right they, step on over' and 'I'm going to give this to they,' which is just odd. If you do make a mistake, correct yourself and move on. Do not make it about you, do not explain why it's hard, do not explain how you have a gay uncle."
"I have had professionals who completely avoided my pronouns, but used gendered pronouns for other people. I got a whole several-page letter from a professional that had no personal pronouns in it. It is obvious when you are repeatedly using someone's name instead of using their correct pronouns. Not using any gendered pronouns when you have been told the correct pronouns is misgendering."
Action steps:
Introduce yourself with pronouns immediately and ask people to share theirs
Do this for absolutely everyone you encounter, regardless of age, disability, race, ethnicity, or requiring assistance to communicate
If the setting and relationship are such that you meet with youths alone, also ask whether they want the same name/pronouns used with everyone, or if there is a safety need to use different ones at home, at school, in medical settings, etc.
Practice using people's pronouns on your own and practice thinking of them as their gender
Reflect on how many times you are gendered in a given day
Say what you mean without involving gender ("people who can become pregnant," "people with a penis," "menstrual products")
Resources:
All about pronouns, on mypronouns.org
Why you should not say "Preferred Pronouns" from Forbes (refer to personal pronouns, your pronouns, pronouns you use, etc. instead)
People either infantilize me because of my disabilities and decide nothing normal about adolescence applies to me, or decide my competence in some areas means I don't need any accommodations
"I have also had the experience in which programs that focus on the needs of queer or 'troubled' youth are very focused on the needs of protecting our privacy, especially from our parents -- operating on the assumption that all of our parents are unsupportive. At one place, the online portal of anyone over 12 is automatically set up so parents cannot view it and cannot communicate with the providers. This makes sense for a lot of the people they see, but I need help communicating things accurately, so my provider had to convince them to give my parents access. However, at the places I go that specialize in youths with disabilities, they actually have the exact opposite policy, and have rules that only parents can communicate with the providers. It seems like someone should come up with something that allows privacy and autonomy and recognizes that people might need help with things.
"I have also had people in various settings look at my body language and decide I am much younger and tell me people under 10 should not be there, or they just assume I can't possibly be in a middle-school program and tell me I'm in the wrong place. Sometimes people who do have my age decide I won't understand basic language or concepts or think things don't apply to me. I've watched on the screen at appointments and seen people skipping all of the adolescent questions that it says to ask for my age. "
"My friend refers to 'the five-second rule' regarding disabilities, which means that if you can think of it in five seconds, I can think of it in five seconds too. When someone says they need a particular accommodation, or can't do something, or they don't benefit from a particular accommodation, resist the urge to give unsolicited advice or assistance. Surely a person with a disability or their caregivers have already thought of it, and there's a reason it doesn't work for them."
"Sometimes people notice my slow processing and difficulty answering questions, and instead of asking me what helps me, they start asking the questions in infantilizing ways that are even more confusing. Of course I know my address. I've known it since preschool. But when you ask, 'Where you do live?' I'm going to tell you I live at my house with my parents, because that's a different question, so it's unprofessional to laugh at me for answering the question you asked instead of the one I expect a receptionist to ask. Giving me a written form would be easier for me, or showing me the screen and asking me to confirm any changes, but I will ask if I need this, and I usually don't for routine questions."
Action steps:
Presume competence, while understanding and honoring specific accommodation needs.
Always speak directly to people with disabilities, even if they do not speak or you think they don't understand. If they need help with communication, their caregiver can help, but communication should be directed to the person.
Remember that many disabled people cannot access a paid aide, and a parent or friend may be functioning in this role. Do not automatically assume this person needs to leave "for privacy," and instead listen and learn, and find ways to balance autonomy with accommodations.
Don't assume anything. If age is relevant, apologize for asking and say you need to ask their age. Treat people according to their age, unless they are asking for something to be left out or modified as an accommodation.
Be aware of current research rather than outdated stereotypes. A recent survey of 7491 autistic respondents found that 56% of autistic folks identify as LGBTQ+ and 19% identify as transgender.
Seek training and articles primarily from disabled/neurodivergent/autistic people rather than parents or professionals.
Resources:
Autistic Not Weird's autism survey, reflecting preferences and trends of the community at large
Identity-first language from Lydia X. Z. Brown at Autistic Self Advocacy Network
Discussion of adoption needs to center experiences of adopted people and first families, not adoptive parents
"As an adopted person, with same-sex white adoptive parents, and as a queer person myself, I sometimes find that people in the white queer community will try to affirm my adoptive family, but end up doing so in ways that marginalize other parts of me. People want to express that they think same-sex families and adoption are so wonderful, so they make statements suggesting this is my only family, and suggesting my first family doesn’t exist. People have told me it’s offensive to my adoptive parents to call my real family my real family, and have 'corrected me.' My adoptive parents aren’t offended. They’re quite aware that in a just world, I would have been able to stay with my first family. People also 'correct' me on this. I’ve had professionals who literally know nothing about my family decide that my family had to have done horrible things to me, because these professionals have failed to educate themselves that the child welfare system is rooted in racism and routinely removes children unnecessarily."
[Note: Graphic below is relevant, though be aware that the website it was taken from is very Christian-oriented]
Action steps:
Seek guidance and training from communities of color, where it is much more common for children to grow up with multiple caregivers and extended family constellations that differ from the assumed traditional nuclear family
Do not assume adopted people do not know their families. Do not assume they do.
Listen to the language people use for their families and use the same language or neutral ways of referring to families
Resources:
Gazillion Voices is a website that centers the voices and lived experiences of adult adoptees
Dr. Joyce Maguire Pavao, adoptee-run consulting business (social media link here)
Amanda Transue-Woolston, The Declassified Adoptee, also an adoptee-run consulting business (social media link here)
Angela Tucker, The Adopted Life, also an adopted person, offers a lot of trainings on transracial adoption experience
People with disabilities exist in all spaces and can have typical (or extraordinary) abilities in other areas
"I’ve played cello for 10 years and I participate in a program that provides a full scholarship to a music conservatory for Black and Hispanic musicians with the goal of pursuing a music degree in college. The program, however, fails to recognize that our communities have higher rates of disabilities, neurodivergence, and trauma. They flat-out told me that students who can audition into a conservatory program wouldn’t have disabilities. They told me this after I passed the audition and my parents and I were sitting there talking about my disabilities! When I told my program I could not go to an overnight camp as they require because I need help with daily living tasks and an entirely new setting would be too much adjustment for my autistic brain, instead of recommending one of the many elite music day camps like the one I found myself, they recommended I attend a music camp for significantly developmentally disabled students. I am sure it is a great program and I would have probably enjoyed the peers there, but the program does not provide anything relevant for students preparing to audition for college music programs."
Action steps:
Don't assume anyone's capabilities
Accommodate intersectionality in the creation of any program
Be particularly aware that any program focusing on serving people of color will statistically have even more disability accommodation needs than other programs
Consult and seek training with adults with disabilities, not parents or professionals (unless they also share these identities)
Be aware that nearly every space is obligated to provide accommodations under the Americans with Disabilities Act. The only exceptions are a very small group of organizations that pass a private membership club test.
People with disabilities must be accommodated to meaningfully participate to the full extent of their abilities and interests, not simply allowed to exist in the space
Resources:
RAMPD: Recording Artists and Music Professionals with Disabilities RAMPD's mission is to amplify disability culture, promote inclusion, and advocate for accessibility within the Music Industry
Experiences may be valid and important to talk about for most of a group, but we must remember they may not be experienced by some members with intersecting identities
"In mainstream Black communities, I am usually accepted, but I sometimes run into assumptions that I don’t know how to do hygiene and household tasks because white parents often do not find these as important as Black families do. I try to explain that I understand the importance, but I need help with things involving motor skills or a lot of steps. In Black communities, I am constantly given messages about how we are perceived as older and less innocent, and that it’s important I speak and dress and conduct myself like a child. I very much understand this dynamic through articles I’ve read and experiences my peers tell me about, but I don’t share the experience. I am 4’10” at my full adult height and need help with a lot of things, so I struggle with people perceiving me as a young child. Black youth are adultified while disabled folks are infantilized."
"In disability communities white people talk about not teaching compliance, which is an important concept in disability justice, but for Black disabled people, it would be a mistake to not teach that in certain situations we really do need to follow rules immediately for our safety."
Action steps:
Be mindful of discussing experiences in terms of "many people" or "most people" rather than speaking as if a group is a monolith
However, this does not mean we should not discuss fairly common experiences within a group or should dismiss lived experience as stereotyped or overgeneralized
Resources:
Fidgets and Fries, a personal blog by a Black neurodivergent parent of neurodivergent children, who discusses this dynamic
Parenting Decolonized, a podcast and blog by a Black parent of a neurodivergent child, promoting unschooling and similar philosophies but within the context of parenting a Black child in a racist society
The worldwide Jewish community enjoys racial diversity, and individual Jewish communities should reflect this
"Jewish communities in the U.S. are often really white. When we point this out, a lot of white Jews either start talking about how Jewish people aren't actually white, or they say there aren't Jews of color, or they say the only Jews of color are a few converts. Jewish people of course can be any race, and even so, it's still valid for people of color to say we are uncomfortable in really white spaces."
Action steps:
Remember Jewish people can be all races, including people born Jewish, people who converted, and people who discovered Jewish roots
Resources: